Even Still I Will Worship

A lot of people have been curious how I have been. Now that I am a little over a week into my first chemo treatment, I am just beginning to understand the gravity of what chemo can do. I still have a lot to learn.

One of the first things I noticed is how much your body changes. From drier skin, greasier foreheads, and even changes to the texture of my skin inside my mouth as it reacts to certain foods. The biggest change happened earlier this week. I started experiencing pretty significant pain in what I would call my esophagus. During my initial nurses appointment, they said that chemo attacks rapidly producing cells such as cancer cells, but it also means your hair cells, the cells inside your mouth, digestive cells, and so on. Well, my digestion took a hit, it was like the whole system just stopped one day and I was severely bloated, in pain, and couldn’t get comfortable. It was hard to eat as I felt overly full and hungry at the same time. There was such a constant need to burp to relieve pressure, but it would only cause pain instead. Thanks to some over the counter meds, miralax, and Senna pills, I was back on track in a couple of days. But it wasn’t fun.

The other effect of chemo that I have noticed is that every symptom that you would have normally dismissed before, is now routinely questioned. I remember when I was getting my first infusion, I had a tickle in my throat. I just had my port placed in my chest that morning, so I was trying not to cough and irritate it. Instead, I did a gentle clearing of my throat 3 times in a row. Suddenly, an entourage of nurses flooded my room and started checking my vitals, asking me all sorts of questions, concerned I might be having an allergic reaction to the meds. I was quite shocked to say the least. (Spoiler alert, I was fine) It’s not just the nurses though, I now have to question every little thing that my body might be experiencing at home too. If I have a pain, a change in my body, I go through an overly dramatic debate in my head to decide if this is really a symptom I should be worried about, or if it is just a normal human body thing that will go away. That might seem normal, but now it happens way more frequently.

One of the other effects of chemo that people don’t tell you, is how much people change around you. Suddenly you become this fragile piece of glass that must be protected. No longer are the questions bright and cheery, “Hi Kelley! How are you?!”, now it’s the slow and concerning, “Hey Kelley, How have you been, are you feeling ok?” Don’t get me wrong, I love that people are caring and I am most definitely not saying you should stop asking how I am doing; but it’s just a noticeable adjustment from being this self-sufficient, independent single person who has lived on her own for over 20 years to now needing help. People didn’t need to worry about me then, but now they have a very warranted reason to. I’m actually quite amazed by how much people are going out of their way to make sure I am ok. It really makes me feel blessed and humbled to have such a great support system around me. It makes me think of those who are going through similar things that may not have such a great support system around them.

The other effect of chemo is truly seeing the goodness in people. There are a lot of negative things in this world, but let me tell you, it is also filled with a lot of angels too. We hear the negative things so often. It is usually the news that sticks with us and the good stuff gets drowned out. But I know there is goodness, because I have seen it. From care packages, meal delivery gift cards, get well cards, thinking of you texts/phone calls, friends stopping by, and even a couple of surprises that appeared in my home. I am just amazed. Beyond blessed really. There are not enough words. I feel immensely loved by all of you. I want to be a light like you all have been to me.

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies:

“When you look for the bad in mankind, expecting to find it, you surely will” – Pollyanna