Even Still I Will Worship

I’ll be honest, this week has been a tough one for me. The side effect of chemo that I have been absolutely dreading the most has started – hair loss. It’s strange really. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for how I would feel once my hair would start to go, but now that the moment is here, there really is nothing you can do to prepare yourself. It’s just an emotionally frustrating experience no matter how you spin it.

A week ago Thursday, I started noticing the tingly irritation you get on your scalp. It comes from your hair weakening at the root and breaking off, or so I’ve read. I liken it to when you’ve had your hair in a high pony all day, and finally let it down (if you know, you know). Soon thereafter, strands started falling out in large quantities. It seemed to happen overnight. I knew it had begun once I would gently slide my hand through my hair and small clumps of hair would come out.

Taking a shower was the worst part. As I precariously washed my hair, more and more clumps would keep coming out. At first it was a shock, but as more hair came out, it became instantly depressing. I thought to myself, “Surely there can’t be any more loose hair now.” to only have it continue on for the duration of the shower and after. Each time felt like a little punch in the gut with a dose of reality. By the end, I had a sizable pile of hair to throw away. How do you prepare yourself for something like that?

Thankfully, I have some really amazing friends and family members who helped encourage me. It’s pretty cool actually, that particular day when I was struggling the most, was when I had the most people randomly text me to see how I was doing. It felt like God was sending me a message through them, that He was thinking of me too. He knew I needed the encouragement.

As the week progressed, the hair loss remained steady. I think the most frustrating part is that your hair is literally everywhere. In your food, all over your clothes, your bed, your blankets, in your mouth, tickling your face, I could go on. I now understand why some with cancer choose to cut their hair and try to keep some sense of control. I’ve been heavily debating it myself. There’s something so final about cutting my hair though. It’s like it cuts off (literally) all hope of being one of the few cancer patients who doesn’t lose their hair. It’s a finality I haven’t been able to get past yet. I know it will grow back, but I also have this strong sense of wanting to hold on to my hair as long as I can and reduce the seemingly inevitable outcome.

In my effort to prepare, I have already bought some cute headwear to have on hand for when the day comes. I decided to go for a little variety not knowing which one will be the option that works best for me. So, I got a couple of hats and head scarves to choose from. I also got measured for a wig. I haven’t ordered it yet, but I think I am ready for that now. I already checked with insurance, and thankfully they cover the cost of one wig as long as you get a prescription for it. Let me tell ya, that was a relief, as the wig I was quoted was a bit of a sticker shock.

This week, I begin my second round of treatment. I am not looking forward to the side effects, but I am ready to continue on towards healing. I like to leave my posts on a positive note, because as much negative things going on right now, there is always something good. It’s also Thanksgiving in a couple days and I would be remised to tell you what I am grateful for. So without further ado:

• I am immensely grateful for a God I can vent to, talk to, pray to, be encouraged by, who is available at all hours of the day, and who is truly my best friend. It’s a solace that is worth far more than words can express.
• I am grateful for friends and family who have reached out to see how I am doing, who’ve checked up on me, come to help me with daily living things, and been another much needed source of encouragement.
• I am grateful for the holidays coming up, I LOVE Christmas. And yes, my house is already decorated.
• Which leads me to being extremely grateful for my humble home. It makes me smile. God knew what he was doing when he led me to buying this place. It all unfolded in His perfect timing.
• I am grateful to be able to work from home, especially through all of this.
• I am grateful for worship, music, and creative outlets.
• I am grateful for LIFE.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

May it be filled with all the things that make you smile and the people you love.