Even Still I Will Worship

Things are going well, amazingly well in fact. Doctors continue to say that I am tolerating things well and I am starting to see the light at the end of the long tunnel. I truly believe this is in part to all the many prayers that people are covering me in! If there is one thing that I know for sure, I have felt your prayers and I have seen them get answered. Thank you!

Hitting the bottom

I’m officially in the bottom of the curve right now and currently 9 days post transplant. This is where my blood levels are pretty much tanked, and chemo symptoms are supposed to be at their worst. However for me, these symptoms have been fairly minimal. I’ve had some minor nausea/queasiness, some mouth sores, changes in tastebuds, numbness in my fingertips, and some loss of appetite. All things that I am used to with past chemotherapy treatments. The biggest symptom that I wrestle with is the extreme fatigue. It’s so extreme it’s almost hard to really explain, but I’ll try.

When your blood levels are so low, your muscles always feel like you have just run a marathon and you overdid it. My legs feel very jelly all the time, and I get winded almost immediately. Because of this, it can cause instability or wobbliness to walk just to the other side of the room. Everything requires so much energy to do that even getting up to go to the bathroom feels like I’m climbing a mountain. One of the requirements from my medical team to help keep infections at bay is take a shower daily with an antibacterial medical soap. I’ll confess, the hardest part of my day is facing that. There are days I just don’t want to and getting enough gumption to do it is very daunting. But thankfully, my parents are great cheerleaders and help encourage me during those moments.

Being at the bottom of the curve means though of course that I am the most susceptible to infection. My team is constantly monitoring my blood levels and taking vitals daily for any signs. I have strict food safety rules, mask requirements, hand hygiene, and I’m pretty sure I’ve gone through a fair share of sanitizer. I’m not even allowed to wear makeup, shave, wear deodorant, trim my nails, brush my teeth or floss as they pose too much of a risk with bleeding or infection. To account for not brushing my teeth and help with mouth sores, I have to do a Sodium Bicarbonate (aka: baking soda) mouth wash 4x’s a day with a disposable sponge. It’s the little things I used to take advantage of and will FULLY appreciate when I am able to do them again!

Your promise still stands

I brought my Ukulele here with me and I was able to play it the other day. I had some time to just sit there in worship to God. One of my favorite songs to play is “Do it Again” from Elevation Worship and if you don’t know it, I highly recommend giving it a listen. I’ll share some of the lyrics below so you have some context.

This song has always rung true to how I am feeling, but it feels even more true now. I’m going through the trenches dealing with cancer and a job loss and it’s filled with a lot of unknowns. But there is hope in Jesus, hope in his promises, hope in the future he provides, knowing the battle is already won. As I got to through to the bridge and started back in the chorus, I was immediately struck with the realization of those words. “Your promise still stands, great is your faithfulness, I’m still in your hands, this is my confidence, you’ve never failed me yet.” I started crying and if you know me, that doesn’t happen often. I couldn’t even compose myself for a bit. Throughout this whole journey, that promise has held me through the darkest moments. I have seen God move, I have seen him do wonders, and I have felt him be with me in the nights where I needed him the most. I have also seen him in the hearts of others around me. Throughout all my life, he has been faithful, why would that change now? It felt so out of character for me to cry in that moment that I know it was the Holy Spirit gently reminding me of that promise; God is in control, and I will be ok just as he said. He is such a gracious loving father and knew my needs before I even knew and I am forever grateful!

“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’” Isaiah 41:13